Love in Five Parts – Part V – All You Need Is…

In a lot of ways it seems like something as broad-reaching and all encompassing as love should take more than five quick blog posts to explore. I suppose in reality it does. But, for all intents and purposes, over the last few weeks, we have covered what we need to.

My parting thought (process) for you is this…I am who I am because of the influence of everyone in my life including you. I know this. I want you to know this too. And the person you’ve guided me to become is a person who will hug a complete stranger and tell him or her, “I love you.” Know why? Because, I do. I’ll tell the boy who broke my heart when I was fifteen (you know who you are), my wasbands, former lovers, my daughter, my parents, family, those I see only rarely, neighbors, friends, anyone who’s willing to accept the gift, the blessing, of “I love you.”

Because all that I know of love is right here. Press play!


 
An aside: This is my all-time-favorite wedding scene from any movie, EVER! If you haven't seen Love Actually stop what you are doing, drive to your nearest video store, get online, whatever you must do, and BUY THIS MOVIE. I promise you won't regret it. Now, back to our blog...
 

You and the love you have shared with me, whoever you are, have given me what I need to find, feel, and express love at its core. I don’t need or ask for anything in return. The joy comes in the experience. So, thanks.

Until next week I remain an Unstoppable love.

ABCs for New Writers - "L" is for Love Your Process

For some of us our relationship with our creativity is of the love/hate persuasion. I for one often have bursts of creative flow and other times my river runs dry. It’s not writer’s block per se; that’s a whole different animal. This is that sinking feeling like you can’t lift your hefty rear off the couch to create anything, not even a quiche, that would appeal to an audience; least of all your very best friend. The feeling is horrible and leaves your wheels spinning. Idea after idea comes into your brain and just as quickly as they pop in, they poop out.

My Love Letter to My Process,
"Sweetheart, thinking of you keeps me up at night!"

Yes friends, creativity can be a fickle lover. But I have found that if you have a process, a method to your creative madness, you can accomplish more by loving it.

Just like a sprouting tomato plant in early spring, if you nurture it, tomatoes will come. Same with your process, if you care for it, play it music, weed the weaker ideas out of your fertile creative field, nourish it with encouragement, entertainment, and education (sounds like another post); your little creativity seedling will grow into a creative process that by enjoyment, not habit, will yield fists full of well written pages.

My process changes from project to project. I wear many hats in my life and my career, so defining a beginning and end point, like the trained project manager I am, is how I get started. Defining a start and finish, as I said, differs by project. Since we are talking in this context about writing, let’s take a work of romantic women’s fiction. This is on the outset a work of eighty to one-hundred thousand words. Aside from drawing character sketches, and plotting, and research I know that I can work and hour to an hour and a half a day and will typically average 1,500 words in that timeframe. My starting point is doing the math – using today as my start date I figure how many days it will take to write the minimum, in this case 53.3 days, and I draw a darling caricature on my calendar on the block for August 8th that depicts me doing the happy dance. Then, I get to work.

After defining a project frame, which gives me a goal, a deadline I am driven to meet, I write the first scene. I write longhand at first just to get the initial idea on paper and the juices flowing. Once I get a feel for where I’m heading with the story, and who the characters may be, I do the leg work – definition, research, plotting. I schedule interviews with SMEs (Subject Matter Experts) who can help me with the things I know nothing about like the differences in being a circuit court judge in 1950 versus present day. All the while I write.

As a new writer, have you developed your process yet? Have you tried two or three different ideas but nothing seems to fit? Let me know and maybe I can turn you onto trying something new.

Until next time, I remain Unstoppable.

Love in Five Parts - Part IV - Loving, Healthy Kids

All we need is a little...

Love is an emotion that is difficult to share if for no other reason than because it lays bare the sacredness of one’s own heart. But I’ve found the more I talk about love, give love, and invite love the more love I receive. I’m not afraid to face the reflection in the mirror because I have been open with my heart. Have I always made the right decisions? Oh h-e-double hockey sticks no! But, I can go to my grave knowing I stayed true to my heart.

When I look at my young daughter I often think how sad it would be if she never felt love, but it’s not fair of me to force it upon her, so I sit back and wait for the invitation to love her on her terms. Sounds sort of counterintuitive, but even a three year old deserves respect, space and individuality. Who am I to take that from her? But she also deserves love – healthy, hopeful, joyful love.

My sure fire sign that loving, supportive roles are at play is when she sits in my office chair and says, “I am the mommy and you are the little girl.” I laugh and say, “Okay Mommy, what are we up to today?” “Honey, I’m working on my book right now,” she says pointing at the screen. It goes on like this for a while and then I say, “Okay, it’s my turn. Let’s take a break and snuggle for a while.” Agreeing, she bounds into the living room and hops onto the couch and starts ticking off her favorite movies and asks with a very sweet “please” (usually) for me to put one in. Then we curl up on our pillows and watch for a while as her favorite heroes and heroines save the day and fall in love. I always rib her about the heroine kissing the hero and she laughs. It’s not the same laugh as comes with a Scooby Doo fart scene, but hey, not everything warrants uproarious laughter.

When I question my decision about staying home with her even when we face losing everything I don’t regret my choice. Through the ups and downs of radical marital change she has emerged a well-adjusted little girl with healthy emotions and views on love. I believe that is because I refuse to hide my emotions from her and because I respect her needs like that of space, or snuggling. In the end that’s what all this is about anyway – taking what we know and passing it on in a good way, right?

I’m turning it over to you. Do you see how your love lessons have affected your children or your reflection? Do you struggle to overcome the past to build a healthier, happier future?

Today’s shameless marketing - Join me and Pam Asberry tomorrow at WritersLi.P.P. You might be in for a surprise. Until then, I remain the Unstoppable Ms. Start.

ABCs for New Writers – K is for Knowledge is Key

Today’s blog topic/title probably sounds a bit cliché, but it’s true. I’ve found in life, business, love and writing the more you know the more prepared you are for contingencies. The term “contingencies” makes life, love and writing sound sterile, doesn’t it? I’m just practical gal that way.

Here’s an extreme example: You buckle yourself into a narrow seat on a McDonnell Douglas MD-88. You have very little leg room just like everyone else, and the same pocket in front of you with Sky Mall Magazine and flight safety placard. Do you choose to ignore the flight attendants as they explain where to find the necessary equipment to save your life and someone else’s and use the safety leaflet as a bookmark instead of memorizing it as you taxi down the tarmac – or – do you take a few minutes to verse yourself on floatation devices, exits, and overall air traveler’s rights so you are prepared in case of an emergency? I don’t know about you, but I am annoyed at the number of people these days that take that small effort for granted. And it peeves me to no end to know that I am taking the all important extra step to save them by increasing my knowledge about safety precautions when I would just as soon let them suffer their chosen fate due to laziness.

The same goes for writing. If you don’t take the time, spend the money, make the effort to improve your knowledge of the craft, publishing, even 21st century language then you are going to choose your fate as well. It’s not easy. Life is a time suck. We’ve all been there. But it behooves you to set aside 20 minutes each day to catch up with Publisher’s weekly and read an excerpt the host of books available to writers in this business. It is also worth the investment to join your local  - Georgia Romance Writers - and national - Romance Writers of America - writer’s associations and spend two or three hours a month with others in your field.

If you don’t go that extra mile to educate yourself you can die an unfortunate death in this business due to lack of knowledge if nothing else. What’s it worth to you?

Until tomorrow, I remain the Unstoppable and ever learning Ms. Start.

A teensy-weensy little bit of shameless marketing - Pam Asberry and I launched http://www.writerslipp.com/ on Monday. It's a blog for writers, non-writers, women, men, lovers, and fighters about life and love in penned perspective. Stop by this week and meet us. Leave a comment and follow us for a chance to win some cool prizes!

Love in Five Parts – Part III – For All the Men I’ve Loved Before

Are you ready for this? This is like the most intimate 20 minutes I have ever spent in my life. No joke. Sit and relax and read about the men I have loved, how they have influenced me, and where I’m headed. Ready? Here we go…

True love has found me three times in my life. No, I haven’t only enjoyed three relationships. I’m talking the real thing. That thing folks hope for – true love. My first true love I met when I was fifteen. He was so incredible that I dumped my boyfriend just because he was brazen enough to bow up at him in public. Through ups, downs, breakups and reconciliations we married, divorced, married and divorced. Walking through fire wasn’t enough to keep me away from him, but the threat of becoming a Molotov cocktail was enough to make me realize there was more to life than fear.

The second great love of my life taught me about romance and how real men treat real women. He held me when I broke down, made love to my mind, body and soul, challenged me to always be the better person, and to love with my whole heart. He taught me how to see myself the way he saw me and understand that a loving touch in just the right place lights me up like a fire cracker (minds out of the gutter people – my “g” spot is in the small of my back).

I’m still reeling from the pain of losing the love that lowered my guard and produced the most amazing little girl EVER. I can still remember the first day he knocked on my door and how he looked in his butter yellow cotton shirt and faded blue jeans. Or how we used to kiss for what seemed like hours finally forcing ourselves apart so we could go to work. The look on his face when I walked down the aisle, when he held his little girl for the first time, when I surprised him for his 40th - there’s nothing like those unforgettable loving moments.

All of these men have taught me so much about myself. In fact, I think first and foremost, they’ve taught me who I am but they have also shown me what I want. I can’t imagine ever opening my heart to another, other than my daughter and family, for a long time. When and if I do that’s it; no more doormat. And boy is this guy going to have to be something special. He’s going to have to be a real man, someone who can hold his own in life and with me. A man who knows where to touch me, how to kiss me, how to appreciate making a wrong turn or wrong decision and learning from it, a reader to my writer, a cook, a partner, who loves to laugh and doesn’t pick or criticize, who feels secure in himself and safe with me. He will have his own interests and will want to include me, and will in turn accept and be interested in mine. God, let there be a man with one green eye and one blue who smells of chocolate chip cookies and whose favorite shape is a silver, five-pointed star. God, let there be that family man.

Join the conversation. What loves have influenced your life? Are there particular qualities in your man, woman, or the partner of your dreams that you cannot live without?

Trying desperately to get back into the groove, I am still Unstoppable and still end in Start!

ABCs for New Writers – J is for Just Write; Edit Later

Okay folks, this should be totally self-explanatory, but let me tell you something, for even experienced writers, writing without our internal editor switched “on” can be hard. You’ve heard of the internal editor, right? That’s that little voice, the angel, or devil on your shoulder that makes you go back to the beginning of each paragraph to read, re-read, and edit it to death before you can move on. That little bugger can make a writer cra-zee!

So here’s the deal, imagine a switch for your internal editor and flip it to the “off” position. Write. Write. Write. If you have to, write longhand. But don’t, let me repeat; don’t edit anything until you write “the end.."

What? You feel like you might lose your train of thought. Your subconscious brain doesn’t forget my friends so you have lost nothing. How do you trick your conscious brain into picking up where you left off? That’s easy. Go back to the work you did the day before (yes, I am making the assumption you write on a daily basis) and re-write, or re-type the last couple of sentences or paragraph where you left off. Then all you have to do is keep going. Cool huh? Try it!

The most important thing is to get your ideas on paper in their freshest, most tender state. That is where all of your emotion lies in the newness of a thought or idea. If you edit before you even get the complete thought on paper then you lose the feelings that drove you to have the thought or idea to begin with. Don’t do that. I want to read about whom you are and what you are feeling whether it’s fictionalized or not. If you don’t feel like you can trust yourself to put your emotions on paper, well, that’s another letter for another day.

So get to it! Close your eyes. Envision the switch. Turn it off. Nice. Now write.

Until Wednesday, I am back and feeling a little more organized and Unstoppable.

Love in Five Parts - Part II

So, if I were to tell you my father was a narcissist to the nth degree could you understand how I love him? What about if I told you my mother passed her codependency on to me, could you see how I love her? How about this…what if I told you I love myself even though I inherited some of both my parent’s character defects? Could you love me too?

It’s a fascinating study in human behavior, this need to love and feel love. What exactly does love do for us? Does it provide wealth, freedom, stability, anything tangible? No. Does it feed us, clothe us, and keep a roof over our head? I guess that depends on your perspective, but not really.

I think love as it is defined (refer to last week’s post – Part I) gives us wings. Oh heck, now that’s a Hallmark card in the making. Sorry. Love gives us the opportunity to put ourselves out there to another human being. We lay bear our hearts, souls, brains to someone else. It’s terrifying and freeing all at the same time.

And what if our way of love is tempered by narcissistic or codependent parents, or both? Then how do we put forth, or even know, what it is we want to give and receive in love?

I learned a lot from my parents, which is what I will share today. This is Part II after all and a fitting place, the first layer of ingredients in our L-O-V-E pie. Sounds kind of dirty, doesn’t it? Well, it’s not!

I have always loved my parents and I think, despite all the hell I put them through, my parents have always loved me. I know they both came from very difficult circumstances in their own childhoods and as an adult I try to grasp every part of that, and how they raised me, in order to more fully understand and love them. Whew!

My father travelled a lot when I was young which I guess left me always wanting for his attention. When he was home he was typically in need of space. Needless to say, I was a busy-body and probably always in his way. But, my dad did a great job at giving me all of the opportunities and benefits he didn’t have as a child. I traveled, attended nice dinners, private schools, and for the most part got what I wanted when I wanted it. Those things did not make up for Dad not being around. I still missed him and that put me in a position to want a man’s love and attention very early on.

My mom, on the other hand, was a doting, caring, loving mom who stood by me through thick and thin. Anyone would want that, right? But, what neither of us got at the time, and I think this is the case of most parents and children, is that I needed to stand on my own two feet, learn lessons the hard way, crack my freaking skull so I’d know not to traverse the rocks of the river in flood waters. You know? So yes, mom was always there but because I had never felt the pain of making my own mistakes, I thought at a very early age that I knew what was best for me.

They influenced me in both extremely positive and terribly negative ways. As an adult I have studied their individual impacts on me and hope that I have learned enough junior psychology not to pass along certain tendencies to my daughter. However, the best ones I pray she will get tenfold, like patience, kindness, a bright smile, a willingness to own up to her mistakes, to give freely of herself. These are the things I want for her.

I will leave you to digest Part II and eagerly await Part III. A cliffhanger of sorts. Until next week, jump in with both feet and tell me about your upbringing and the people who influenced you. Do you recognize what you do today that you adopted from your childhood? Are there things you wish you could change?

Until tomorrow, I remain Unstoppable.

Inspiration from God, Church and Music

Okay, so not too many of us bloggers blog about church life, but if you're going to know me, you're going to have to know about these incredible moments in my life. Like the ones that happened yesterday.

Waking up yesterday morning, I had no idea what my day would bring; a blessing to me as I love to take things as they come. But, yesterday felt different. I decided, among other things, to attend my home church. Despite the pain that comes from sitting in one of those old wood pews in the church where I was married, I find a great deal of peace there. The peace of knowing my church family cares for me and my little girl; the peace of familiar faces and greetings; of knowing that my pastor will ask me, "Where the hell have you been?" (Love her!)

I attended church yesterday to receive all of that peace, to hear a wonderful message in a place I call home. I heard that the Agnes Scott College Collegiate Chorale was going to provide the music, but I had no idea what it would mean. What a joy! They performed in a way that brought out the best in our small congregation. The energy in the room was palpable as parishioners listened to the exquisite melodies and lifted their heads in response.

One particular poignant moment for me was listening to There Is No Rose (Z. Randall Stroope). I closed my eyes to listen to the harmonious sounds of the chorale and witnessed beautiful whitish-pink smoke fill the room and enter into each of us, like the Holy Spirit filling us with the peace, passion, inspiration each of needed for the day. It was amazing; a moment I will treasure always.

I would be remiss in my blogger duties if I didn't tell you how tickled I was to hear the chorale, directed by our own Elise Eskew, perform Hail, Holy Queen (traditional arrangement by Shaman) in a stylized (aka. Rock n'Roll) version. Recall the movie, Sister Act with Whoopi Goldberg. There you go! An exciting, updated arrangement that had us all tapping and clapping along. The Agnes Scott Collegiate Chorale did an amazing job as did Elise.

Breaking from tradition is what inspires me about our little Emory Presbyterian Church. It's not all about the Order of Service, or getting things just right. It's not about following the Good Book chapter and verse, but more about loving each other for who we are. Where I am in life speaks to this. Most of my church family knows my husband isn't home watching football. Some don't, and they ask where he is, but that's okay. I can honestly say he wasn't able to come. No matter the depth and breadth of knowledge, they all love and except me as separated or married, working or jobless, happy or sad, faithful or doubting. And that, my friends, is what makes my church home so valuable and inspiring to me.

Until next time, I remain Unstoppable.

New Hope, New Year, New You

New hope, New Year, new you! This is the 2011 credo emblazoned on the signage for the Scott Boulevard Baptist Church just up the street from my home. Driving home on Friday after picking up my daughter from school, I noticed this sign, as I often do, and the words so carefully placed for passersby to take note. And, as they rarely albeit unfortunately do, these words spoke volumes to me.

I never thought 2011, the changing of the year, or of the decade, would bring such dramatic transformation to my life. And when that change came at lightning speed, without so much as a quick alarm, I never thought that the possibility of hope could exist. But, here I am on January 10, 2011 with five inches of snow on the ground, a gift from the God of my understanding that brings with it a wash of frigidity to clean my slate again, only a couple of short weeks since it was washed before.

With the New Year I find myself a single mom without a job in a house with a mortgage and hope comes in the form of friends and loved ones with food, wine and good cheer to celebrate Christmas and ring in the New Year, a job interview (already) that, unnervingly enough, was quick and went particularly well, and a transition that has, despite the pain of it all, been pretty smooth.

So, now on January 10, 2011, what's next in this new year, new decade, for the new me in this new world? Some might think life to be bleak, dreary without the commitment to carry on a life together as husband and wife, but not me. Though I do miss the companionship that comes with that shared commitment, the joy in good times and bad, the steadfast love, I know that I will be okay. Alone is not a word I am afraid of because, quite frankly, I'm not. Remember those friends and loved ones, well, we've had more laughs, dinners, time together than normal and truthfully it's been a lot of fun.

My husband might be critical of the way I look at life because most don't choose to take such a view, but the people I love and choose to surround myself with do. They constantly fill my head with the hope of a new year and a new me and for that I am truly grateful.

Happy New Year to you who have taken a moment to read this. Join me in this journey of change and growth in 2011. May you experience the same blessings I have.

Until next time, I remain Unstoppable.

Your Whole Life Changes So Pay Attention

Sitting here on my balance ball in front of my desktop, I've vowed to myself to: be a better mom, a more loving wife, a good friend, a weekly blogger. It's Monday, so making a new start sounds like a good plan. Why wait for the New Year?

Life changes each day for this busy mom and wife. Saying prayers with my three year old before bed, I realize the improvements, mainly friendships that mean so much to us. The days when I would sit at a Georgia Romance Writers meeting at a table alone are long gone. Those moments at the playground pushing my little girl in the swing wishing for another mom to come along and strike up a conversation are far in the past. Now, along with the loving support of my family and cherished friends, I have critique partners who share in my agony over transitioning present tense to past, and moms and dads who text to say, "We'll see you at he playground at 3:30!" I look forward to dinners with new friends, and coffee with old, and most especially alone with my husband, or on a blanket in the middle of the living room with my daughter. To think I could have missed all of this.

So friends, as Thanksgiving quickly approaches and Christmas falls in line like a tin soldier, take note of your life. Do you feel strapped? Trapped in a rut? Or, are you seeing all the things you want out of life come to fruition? Whatever the case, pay attention. Otherwise, the wonderful things just might pass you by.

Until next time, I remain, Unstoppable.

Powerful Friendship

Recently, I've discovered a lot of new things about myself. I don't really know if it's because I'm breeching that BIG 4-0 in the next couple of years (as we all know wisdom comes with age, at least for some); or if my life has taken on new meaning; or, maybe I have finally reached a point so close to blissful perfection (for this minute) that I can stand back and look at myself. But what I have seen is nothing short of outstanding.

Listen, I've spent years putting aside my needs and desires to make sure everyone else in my life had what they needed. It's only fair that, at the ripe old age of 38, I can change that and take care of myself and even give myself a little credit. Life's hard enough without putting off today what you can do tomorrow. Right?

So, I started writing again. Proudly, I just finished my second novel, Releasing Saint Angel. For me that means the draft was finished a month ago, the first revision is complete, the prologue and the epilogue are written to my satisfaction and my critique partners and close friends/editors have it in hand to read and give me a thumbs up or down. Either way: it's done. I've finished what I started. My first toot your own horn discovery about my new and improved self.

Believe it or not, I was once a very lonely, isolated person. My only friends were those that I worked with, so whenever I changed jobs, I got to leave those friends behind (for the most part) and start anew. Guess what? I really enjoy having friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, furry friends - it doesn't matter the make or the model, it’s just really nice to have someone to call when you are ironing and watching the toddler play naked in the backyard with the neighbor's dog and the water hose. You know? To the old friends that I decided were keepers, I've added a host of new friends. Friends that I met in places I love like the Georgia Romance Writers meeting I attend each month. This month I met two wonderful new writers/girlfriends and we formed an instant critique group. I'm honored to have them in my life. You know who you are. Pam and Pam! So, my second toot your own horn discovery about my new self is Wow! It’s really cool to have friends and feel like you are part of something.

My final lesson about my new and improved self, and one that warrants the loudest toot is that staying grounded while doing what you love gives you the inspiration, heart and soul to keep going, letting go of fears that might hold you back, to produce your very best work. Not the work of writing, but the work of life. Karen White spoke at our Georgia Romance Writers meeting last Saturday and told just such a story. It was a powerful lesson in humility for anyone, not just writers. One minute you are up, with the next rejection letter you are down, but in between is the stuff that really matters: like the toddler playing naked in the backyard with the neighbor's dog and the garden hose.

Until next time, dear friends, I remain Unstoppable.