Love in Five Parts - Part IV - Loving, Healthy Kids

All we need is a little...

Love is an emotion that is difficult to share if for no other reason than because it lays bare the sacredness of one’s own heart. But I’ve found the more I talk about love, give love, and invite love the more love I receive. I’m not afraid to face the reflection in the mirror because I have been open with my heart. Have I always made the right decisions? Oh h-e-double hockey sticks no! But, I can go to my grave knowing I stayed true to my heart.

When I look at my young daughter I often think how sad it would be if she never felt love, but it’s not fair of me to force it upon her, so I sit back and wait for the invitation to love her on her terms. Sounds sort of counterintuitive, but even a three year old deserves respect, space and individuality. Who am I to take that from her? But she also deserves love – healthy, hopeful, joyful love.

My sure fire sign that loving, supportive roles are at play is when she sits in my office chair and says, “I am the mommy and you are the little girl.” I laugh and say, “Okay Mommy, what are we up to today?” “Honey, I’m working on my book right now,” she says pointing at the screen. It goes on like this for a while and then I say, “Okay, it’s my turn. Let’s take a break and snuggle for a while.” Agreeing, she bounds into the living room and hops onto the couch and starts ticking off her favorite movies and asks with a very sweet “please” (usually) for me to put one in. Then we curl up on our pillows and watch for a while as her favorite heroes and heroines save the day and fall in love. I always rib her about the heroine kissing the hero and she laughs. It’s not the same laugh as comes with a Scooby Doo fart scene, but hey, not everything warrants uproarious laughter.

When I question my decision about staying home with her even when we face losing everything I don’t regret my choice. Through the ups and downs of radical marital change she has emerged a well-adjusted little girl with healthy emotions and views on love. I believe that is because I refuse to hide my emotions from her and because I respect her needs like that of space, or snuggling. In the end that’s what all this is about anyway – taking what we know and passing it on in a good way, right?

I’m turning it over to you. Do you see how your love lessons have affected your children or your reflection? Do you struggle to overcome the past to build a healthier, happier future?

Today’s shameless marketing - Join me and Pam Asberry tomorrow at WritersLi.P.P. You might be in for a surprise. Until then, I remain the Unstoppable Ms. Start.

Love in Five Parts - Part II

So, if I were to tell you my father was a narcissist to the nth degree could you understand how I love him? What about if I told you my mother passed her codependency on to me, could you see how I love her? How about this…what if I told you I love myself even though I inherited some of both my parent’s character defects? Could you love me too?

It’s a fascinating study in human behavior, this need to love and feel love. What exactly does love do for us? Does it provide wealth, freedom, stability, anything tangible? No. Does it feed us, clothe us, and keep a roof over our head? I guess that depends on your perspective, but not really.

I think love as it is defined (refer to last week’s post – Part I) gives us wings. Oh heck, now that’s a Hallmark card in the making. Sorry. Love gives us the opportunity to put ourselves out there to another human being. We lay bear our hearts, souls, brains to someone else. It’s terrifying and freeing all at the same time.

And what if our way of love is tempered by narcissistic or codependent parents, or both? Then how do we put forth, or even know, what it is we want to give and receive in love?

I learned a lot from my parents, which is what I will share today. This is Part II after all and a fitting place, the first layer of ingredients in our L-O-V-E pie. Sounds kind of dirty, doesn’t it? Well, it’s not!

I have always loved my parents and I think, despite all the hell I put them through, my parents have always loved me. I know they both came from very difficult circumstances in their own childhoods and as an adult I try to grasp every part of that, and how they raised me, in order to more fully understand and love them. Whew!

My father travelled a lot when I was young which I guess left me always wanting for his attention. When he was home he was typically in need of space. Needless to say, I was a busy-body and probably always in his way. But, my dad did a great job at giving me all of the opportunities and benefits he didn’t have as a child. I traveled, attended nice dinners, private schools, and for the most part got what I wanted when I wanted it. Those things did not make up for Dad not being around. I still missed him and that put me in a position to want a man’s love and attention very early on.

My mom, on the other hand, was a doting, caring, loving mom who stood by me through thick and thin. Anyone would want that, right? But, what neither of us got at the time, and I think this is the case of most parents and children, is that I needed to stand on my own two feet, learn lessons the hard way, crack my freaking skull so I’d know not to traverse the rocks of the river in flood waters. You know? So yes, mom was always there but because I had never felt the pain of making my own mistakes, I thought at a very early age that I knew what was best for me.

They influenced me in both extremely positive and terribly negative ways. As an adult I have studied their individual impacts on me and hope that I have learned enough junior psychology not to pass along certain tendencies to my daughter. However, the best ones I pray she will get tenfold, like patience, kindness, a bright smile, a willingness to own up to her mistakes, to give freely of herself. These are the things I want for her.

I will leave you to digest Part II and eagerly await Part III. A cliffhanger of sorts. Until next week, jump in with both feet and tell me about your upbringing and the people who influenced you. Do you recognize what you do today that you adopted from your childhood? Are there things you wish you could change?

Until tomorrow, I remain Unstoppable.

Truth or Fiction - A Question

You cannot give your life more days, but you can give your days more life.

- Unknown

It's time to wax philosophic. True or false - how do you feel about the quote? Can you or can't you give your life more days? Can you or can't you give your days more life?

I believe you can do both. Only me. Not speaking for anyone else here.

Some might take the stance that our Maker knows how many days we have from the get go. I believe that, but I also believe we, as non-makers, have the ability to mess it all up by eating unhealthy food, playing video games instead of taking walks, in general not taking care of ourselves. So, yes, I think you can give your life more days.

And, well, you already know how I feel about giving your days more life. It's a given. Unless you cannot pull yourself out of the doldrums of hell, life is riddled with disease, addiction, pain - nope, not even that line works for me. I've seen people who could be hopeless be huge contributors to their own wonderful, empowered lives. You can add more life to your days no matter what. Period. And, if you're having trouble, ask for help. Friends, family, professionals are all here to help so you can live free and happy.

The short but sweet beginning to an argument of sorts. What do you think?

Hoping you'll join the conversation, I remain Unstoppable.

Wisdom Wednesday – An Impassioned Plea for Hope

It feels like a good day to share a little bit of myself with you. I've been struggling lately to find my ground, somewhere for my feet and my soul to reside during a time of life that is "upside down." In searching for this ground I am forced to remember my whole life, a life that hasn't always been peaches and cream, a life that sometimes has been very black and disillusioned. Why? Because I failed to have hope.

That reigned true for me watching Becky Blanton's video on TED. If you have a little over seven minutes, I hope you will take a minute to watch it to. Our stories are very similar though mine didn't begin with a camping trip.

Becky is a journalist and after losing her father decided to embark on a "camping" trip to find out who she was. But, at the onset, she lost her freelance job and fell into a deep depression. She felt homeless. It took another's wisdom to point out that she was wrong.




I lived much the same way for a period of six months or so back in my early 20s. Struggling to grow out of my first divorce I finally found a job in advertising and hoped to launch into marketing stardom. Instead, I my roommate found a boyfriend and kicked me out, I didn't make enough money to live anywhere but a crack hotel on Jimmy Carter, and I was back to eating mac & cheese and potatoes like a college kid. So, I lived at truck stops, bathed in public restrooms, and for the most part was a vagabond, but darn it, I had my career.

I finally realized after months of this torture that I wanted more. I wanted a home, a family, a job that at least paid the bills, security - so I chucked my idea of being an advertising whiz kid and moved back home to Macon where I lived with my parents.

Now, when I started this post I was telling you that I am in need of finding my ground, so here's the hook - I'm here again! History has repeated it's fickle self. Though this time I have a card up my sleeve that will certainly trick the deck. I. Have. Hope. Those are some powerful words.

So, as I fight to hold onto who I am as a person and a writer, struggle to start a new business, face my failing marriage, raise a happy, well-adjusted three year old, I open my heart and soul to you in the hopes that I can maintain that hope. I want to rise like a phoenix above this mess and emerge a rainbow-hued beauty floating gracefully overhead, at peace. Hold me accountable, will ya?

Feel free to join the conversation. Why do you think history repeats itself? Have you ever lived out of your car? Are you another phoenix rising from the ashes?

Until tomorrow, I hope to remain Unstoppable.

New Hope, New Year, New You

New hope, New Year, new you! This is the 2011 credo emblazoned on the signage for the Scott Boulevard Baptist Church just up the street from my home. Driving home on Friday after picking up my daughter from school, I noticed this sign, as I often do, and the words so carefully placed for passersby to take note. And, as they rarely albeit unfortunately do, these words spoke volumes to me.

I never thought 2011, the changing of the year, or of the decade, would bring such dramatic transformation to my life. And when that change came at lightning speed, without so much as a quick alarm, I never thought that the possibility of hope could exist. But, here I am on January 10, 2011 with five inches of snow on the ground, a gift from the God of my understanding that brings with it a wash of frigidity to clean my slate again, only a couple of short weeks since it was washed before.

With the New Year I find myself a single mom without a job in a house with a mortgage and hope comes in the form of friends and loved ones with food, wine and good cheer to celebrate Christmas and ring in the New Year, a job interview (already) that, unnervingly enough, was quick and went particularly well, and a transition that has, despite the pain of it all, been pretty smooth.

So, now on January 10, 2011, what's next in this new year, new decade, for the new me in this new world? Some might think life to be bleak, dreary without the commitment to carry on a life together as husband and wife, but not me. Though I do miss the companionship that comes with that shared commitment, the joy in good times and bad, the steadfast love, I know that I will be okay. Alone is not a word I am afraid of because, quite frankly, I'm not. Remember those friends and loved ones, well, we've had more laughs, dinners, time together than normal and truthfully it's been a lot of fun.

My husband might be critical of the way I look at life because most don't choose to take such a view, but the people I love and choose to surround myself with do. They constantly fill my head with the hope of a new year and a new me and for that I am truly grateful.

Happy New Year to you who have taken a moment to read this. Join me in this journey of change and growth in 2011. May you experience the same blessings I have.

Until next time, I remain Unstoppable.